Why do I have such big reactions? If you’ve ever found yourself asking this question after getting triggered and feeling overwhelmed by anger, anxiety, sadness or defensiveness… welcome to the club
I know how awful it feels afterwards too. You desperately don’t want to react in these ways, but it feels impossible in the moment (note: it’s not impossible).
So many people experience huge, emotional reactions that seem out of proportion to the situation, often without understanding why.
And the good news, is that these intense reactions do usually have an explanation. Some of you reading this will understand what is getting triggered, and some will have no idea.
Before we go further, I want to make sure you know about my 90-Minute Single Session, because I know many of you who read my blog or listen to the podcast don’t realise we can work together one-to-one. If weekly sessions don’t feel right for you, but you’re desperate for support and a clear way forward, this is designed for exactly that. In one focused 90-minute session, we’ll get to the root of what’s keeping you stuck (whether it’s anxious attachment, overthinking, people-pleasing, relationship struggles, low self-worth, or something else entirely) and create a personalised action plan with practical tools you can start using straight away. Afterwards, you’ll receive tailored self-help resources based on your session, plus live chat support with me so you can ask questions, overcome obstacles, and get guidance as you put everything into practice. Think of it as expert-guided self-help: all the clarity, strategy and support you need to create real change, without the commitment of ongoing weekly sessions.
Triggers are actually unprocessed emotions and beliefs that are getting activated again in the present moment.
This is the wild part, but the perfect information if you keep getting triggered into overthinking, jealousy, anger etc
- You probably already know your reactions feel bigger than they should
- You probably already know this isn’t how you want to react
But still: you can’t stop thinking about someone who hasn’t texted back, one comment has ruined your whole day, you are worrying excessively, or you are struggling to trust the person you love the most
Here is what I want you to remember – when you’re triggered like this, your mind and body aren’t just reacting to what’s happening in front of you…they’re reacting to the past. Your nervous system responds as though something bad is happening right now, even if it isn’t. That’s why your emotions feel so intense, your thoughts spiral so quickly, and your reactions can seem completely out of proportion to the situation.
The past is present in your body
My therapy approach includes Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT), and according to psychologist Paul Gilbert, who developed CFT, when we’re triggered our minds shift into ‘threat’ mode. I like to explain it as your internal fire alarm going off. The problem is, the alarm isn’t just responding to what’s happening today. It’s responding to something much older.
When you’re in that state, those thoughts don’t feel irrational. They feel true. They completely take over your attention, and no amount of telling yourself to “calm down” seems to work.
Maybe you’ve been there. You’re trying to work, but someone you care about has gone quiet. You know you should focus on what you’re doing, but every few minutes you’re checking your phone. You’re replaying the last conversation. Reading between the lines. Wondering if you’ve upset them. Your body feels restless. You can’t settle. It’s like part of your brain refuses to let it go.
It feels exhausting because it is exhausting.
The important thing to understand is that this isn’t a lack of willpower. Your nervous system believes it’s trying to protect you. It’s searching for danger because, somewhere along the way, it learned that situations like this weren’t safe.
The good news is that these patterns can change.
Not by forcing yourself to think positively or pretending you don’t care, but by helping your nervous system realise that the threat belongs in the past, not the present. As those old survival responses begin to soften, something incredible happens… People stop feeling hijacked by every trigger, and feel calmer in situations that used to completely consume them.
And no, this isn’t about becoming some perfectly healed person who never gets upset (Humans are very much welcome here) – You’ll still have emotions, you’ll still have difficult days.
But the difference is that your past no longer gets to decide how you experience your present.
NEXT TIME, TRY THIS:
The next time you notice yourself spiralling, try something different. Instead of immediately trying to fix the situation, work out what someone else is thinking, send another message or make everyone else feel comfortable, pause for just a moment.
Ask yourself, “Is this a familiar pattern?”
Then notice what’s happening inside you.
Notice the tightness in your body. The urge to fix it. The stories your mind is telling you. The feeling that you’ve known for years, even if you’ve never really noticed it before.
Then simply say to yourself, “This is that old pattern being activated.”
That tiny moment probably won’t heal years of conditioning overnight.
But it will do something incredibly powerful.
It creates space between you and the reaction.
And that space is where everything starts to change
What else do you want me to talk about around this topic? Let me know, I’m keen to help!
Carly Ann 🤎
Leave a Reply