Why You Keep Falling Back into Old Patterns

Is this you? Do you feel like you’re falling into old patterns time and time again?

Have you ever had one of those moments where you suddenly realise you’re doing the very thing you promised yourself you wouldn’t do again?

Maybe you’ve spent weeks trying to stop overthinking, and then one conversation sends you straight back into a three-hour spiral. Maybe you’ve been working on your boundaries, feeling really proud of yourself for finally saying no, and then you find yourself saying yes to something you desperately didn’t want to do. Or perhaps you’ve been trying to change the way you show up in relationships, only to find yourself chasing, withdrawing, people-pleasing or shutting down when something triggers you.

You can listen to me (Carly Ann) talk about this topic here on the podcast:

And afterwards, there’s that horrible feeling of disappointment. You think “I thought I had healed, I thought I was past this, why am I still doing this?”

And before you know it, you’re not just dealing with the original problem anymore; you’re dealing with guilt, shame and the belief that you’ve somehow failed.

Today, I want to tell you something that I really wish more people understood about change: having a setback doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

In fact, if you’re trying to change a deeply ingrained pattern, setbacks are often part of the process. Change isn’t something that happens in a neat, straight line where you decide to do things differently and then never struggle with the old version of yourself again. Real change is much messier than that. There are moments when you feel incredibly proud of yourself, moments when you surprise yourself with how differently you’re responding, and moments when you find yourself slipping back into something you thought you’d left behind.

That doesn’t mean the work isn’t working.

It means you’re human.

Hello! I’m Carly Ann, a psychotherapist, speaker and facilitator. I help people who get stuck in spirals understand their triggers, become less reactive and build deep self-worth, so they can feel calmer in their relationships and start thriving in work and life instead of being run by anxiety and overthinking.

One of the concepts that completely changed the way I understand change was learning about something called The Cycle of Change.

I was first introduced to this model when I was running CBT workshops in my 20s across two London prisons, and I remember being struck by something I saw first-hand – there were people who could recognise the patterns that were causing them pain, they could talk about their behaviours, understand the consequences and even know what they wanted to do differently. But knowing that you need to change and actually being able to change are two very different things.

It made me realise that we often expect far too much of ourselves when it comes to change. We think that once we’ve recognised a pattern, we should be able to simply stop doing it. But our patterns aren’t usually created overnight, and they don’t disappear overnight either. They are ways of thinking, feeling and responding that we’ve often practised for years.

The Cycle of Change, developed by psychologists Prochaska and DiClemente, helps explain this. It shows us that change happens in stages, and that we can move forwards, backwards and forwards again as we learn what works for us.

And I want to take you through it using something that I think many of us can relate to: comparison and jealousy.

Imagine your friend gets a promotion. You know you love your friend, and you want to be happy for them, but instead you feel a horrible little pang of jealousy. You start thinking, “Why does everything always work out for them?” or “What am I doing with my life?” Perhaps you feel irritated by their good news, but you don’t really stop to question why.

PRE-CONTEMPLATION

This is Precontemplation. You’re experiencing the pattern, but you haven’t necessarily recognised it as a pattern yet. You might believe the problem is that your friend is lucky, or that life is unfair, rather than noticing what is happening inside you.

Comment number 1 if you remember this version of yourself, because oooh, I feel it for that version of me.

CONTEMPLATION

Then something begins to shift. Maybe you start noticing that this isn’t just happening with one friend or one particular situation. You notice that whenever someone around you succeeds, you automatically compare their life to yours. A friend gets engaged, someone buys a house, a colleague gets promoted or someone you follow online seems to be living the life you want, and suddenly you’re measuring yourself against them.

This is Contemplation. You’re beginning to recognise the pattern and, importantly, you’re beginning to want something different. You might think, “I don’t actually want to feel jealous of my friends. I genuinely want to be able to celebrate them without immediately making their success mean something about me.”

That awareness is incredibly important, because you can’t change a pattern you don’t see.

PREPARATION

Then comes Preparation. This is where you start thinking about what you might actually do differently when the pattern shows up again. You might decide that the next time you notice yourself comparing, you’ll pause rather than immediately getting swept into the story in your head. You might remind yourself that somebody else’s success doesn’t take anything away from you, or you might become curious about what your jealousy is actually telling you about your own life.

Because sometimes jealousy isn’t really about the other person at all. Sometimes it’s showing you something that you want, something you feel you’ve missed out on, or an area of your life where you feel unfulfilled. Instead of judging yourself for having the feeling, you can start listening to what it’s trying to tell you.

ACTION

Then you move into Action, which is where the real practice begins.

Your friend tells you some amazing news, and you feel that familiar pang of comparison. The difference is that this time, you notice it. You don’t immediately believe every thought that comes with it, and you don’t allow the feeling to dictate how you behave. You pause, acknowledge what you’re feeling without judging yourself for it, and choose how you want to respond.

You might genuinely congratulate your friend and then, later, take some time to reflect on what their achievement brought up for you. Perhaps you realise that you’re craving more purpose in your own career, or that you’ve been putting off something you’ve wanted to pursue. Suddenly, the feeling that you originally saw as something shameful has become information that can help you understand yourself better.

MAINTENANCE

With time and practice, you can move into Maintenance. This doesn’t mean that you never feel jealous or compare yourself again. It means that the pattern becomes easier to recognise, and your response starts to change. Instead of immediately spiralling into “Why don’t I have what they have?”, you might catch yourself and think, “I’m happy for them, and I can also focus on what I want for myself.”

The feeling may still appear, but it doesn’t have the same power over you.

And then, inevitably, life happens.

You have a stressful week. You’re exhausted. Your confidence is low. You’re already feeling insecure about where you are in your own life, and then your friend announces another achievement. Suddenly, that old feeling comes rushing back and you find yourself comparing yourself to them all over again.

RELAPSE

This is what the model calls Relapse.

And this is the part I really want you to remember, because this is where so many people give up.

They think, “Here I go again. I haven’t changed at all” They feel ashamed of themselves and decide that all the work they’ve done must have been pointless.

But you’re not back at the beginning.

You have awareness that you didn’t have before. You have experience. You’ve learned about your triggers. You’ve practised responding differently. You know that another response is possible because you’ve already done it before.

So instead of judging yourself, you can get curious.

You can ask, “What happened here? What triggered me? What was I feeling underneath the jealousy? What do I need right now? Is there something this moment is trying to teach me?”

That is what it means to move through the cycle.

Recognising the pattern, wanting to change, preparing for a different response, practising it, strengthening it and learning when you slip back.

The goal isn’t to reach some magical point where you never experience jealousy, anxiety, insecurity, anger or any other uncomfortable emotion again. The goal is to become someone who can notice those emotions without automatically allowing them to run the show.

And I think that distinction is so important.

Because the cycle you’re in, doesn’t make you a bad friend or a bad person. Comparison doesn’t mean you’re horrible. Having an anxious attachment response doesn’t mean you’re broken. Getting triggered doesn’t mean you’ve undone all your healing.

Sometimes the most uncomfortable emotions are actually pointing towards something that needs our attention.

The work is learning how to listen without letting those emotions dictate your behaviour.

And this is exactly why I created Break the Cycle.

How many times have you promised yourself, “This time, it’s going to be different,” only to find yourself repeating the same patterns, the same reactions and the same relationship dynamics?

Maybe you overthink everything. Maybe you people-please because you’re terrified of disappointing someone. Maybe you shut down when things feel too much. Maybe you chase reassurance when you’re afraid someone is pulling away. Maybe you withdraw before someone has the chance to reject you. Maybe you struggle to trust yourself, or you keep finding yourself in situations that feel painfully familiar.

Whatever your pattern is, you don’t have to stay stuck in it.

Break the Cycle — The Mastery Challenge is a powerful 21-day journey designed to help you understand the patterns that keep you stuck, break old cycles and create new ways of thinking, feeling and responding.

Through practical daily guidance, powerful tools and support, you’ll begin to understand what’s happening underneath your reactions and, most importantly, what you can actually do differently.