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If you’ve found your way here, there’s a good chance you’re struggling to stop thinking about someone.. you’re in limerence.
I’m talking to those of you that have someone occupying your mind from the moment you wake up until you finally fall asleep (usually after spending hours imagining conversations, replaying memories or wondering what they’re doing). It’s constant – You replay conversations, analyse every interaction, imagine them feeling the same way, day dream, create situations to see them, and find yourself on their social media without even realising you picked up your phone. Over time, it can become exhausting, and it may start to feel less like love and more like an obsession you cannot switch off.
If that sounds familiar, you may be experiencing limerence. Limerence is an intense experience where romantic attraction becomes an obsession.
What people often don’t know about limerence is that it is often fuelled by uncertainty, longing and a strong need for reciprocation. People often describe it as feeling stuck in a loop of hope and anxiety, where another person seems to control their thoughts and how they feel.
The important thing to know is that limerence is not permanent. Although it can feel overwhelming, it is a learned pattern of thinking, which means it can also be unlearned.
And hopefully you know by know, unlearning habits is my thing.
Whilst I don’t believe awareness is enough when you’re doing the work, I am a big believer that understanding what is happening in your mind & body is the first step towards changing your life and healing old wounds.
Here are ten common characteristics associated with limerence, plus for each sign, I’ve included practical ways to begin recovering from this obsession.
(This is not a replacement for therapy or coaching – if you need help, please feel free to book a Single Session with me, I have so much experience in this area and believe I am able to help you get back on track and reclaim your life from this obsession)
1. You Can’t Stop Thinking About Them
One of the clearest signs of limerence is the constant presence of intrusive thoughts about the other person. Your mind returns to them throughout the day, whether you are working, studying, watching television or trying to fall asleep. I really want you to hear me when I say, you are not consciously choosing these thoughts, I know that. They appear automatically and your imagination runs away – imagining conversations, replaying or imagining memories or future scenarios
👉 What helps: Instead of trying to suppress the thoughts (which only makes them stronger by the way), practise noticing when your attention has drifted and gently returning it to the present moment. Mindfulness, physical activity and tasks that require focus can help retrain your attention over time, gradually reducing the intensity of obsessive thinking.
2. Your Mood Depends on Their Attention
Limerence often creates a strong emotional dependency on this other person’s behaviour. A message or sign of attention can bring intense excitement and relief, while silence or delayed replies can cause anxiety, sadness or distress. This instability can make it feel as though your wellbeing and self-worth is controlled by someone else.
👉 What helps: Begin building stability from within your own life. Invest in friendships, hobbies, exercise and personal goals so that your sense of wellbeing does not rely on one person. Over time, this reduces the emotional power the obsession holds over you.
3. You Put Them on a Pedestal
When experiencing limerence, it is common to idealise the other person. You may focus heavily on their positive traits while overlooking flaws, incompatibilities or mixed signals. This creates a distorted image that is often more fantasy than reality.
👉 What helps: Gently bring balance back by acknowledging the full picture of who they are, not just the idealised version in your mind. This includes recognising limitations, inconsistencies and areas where you may not actually be compatible.
4. You Crave Constant Reassurance
A sign of limerence is the desire for certainty about how the other person feels. You may find yourself analysing interactions repeatedly, searching for hidden meaning or reassurance. Unfortunately, any brief sense of certainty is usually temporary and quickly replaced by new doubts.
👉 What helps: Practise accepting uncertainty rather than trying to eliminate it. Remind yourself that it is possible to live a meaningful life without knowing every answer immediately. Learning to tolerate not knowing reduces the compulsive need for reassurance over time.
5. You Analyse Everything
Even small details can feel significant. A message tone, emoji, delay in response or passing comment can become something you overthink and interpret repeatedly. This keeps your attention locked onto the other person and reinforces the obsession.
👉 What helps: When you notice yourself analysing, pause and ask whether you are responding to actual evidence or to assumptions. Bringing attention back to facts rather than interpretations helps weaken the cycle of obsessive thinking.
6. Rejection Feels Devastating
Rejection or perceived rejection can feel overwhelming when you are experiencing limerence. This is often because your self-worth becomes tied to the other person’s response, making their approval feel essential to your emotional stability.
👉 What helps: Remind yourself that rejection is not a measure of your worth. It usually reflects compatibility, timing and circumstances rather than anything fundamentally lacking in you. Treat yourself with the same compassion you would offer a close friend in the same situation.
7. Fantasy Becomes More Appealing Than Reality
Limerence often involves extensive fantasising about future scenarios or idealised relationships. These imagined experiences can feel emotionally rewarding, which makes them easy to return to repeatedly. Over time, fantasy may begin to feel more compelling than real life.
👉 What helps: When you notice yourself drifting into fantasy, gently bring your attention back to the present and choose one small action that improves your real life. This might be speaking to someone, going outside, working on a goal or engaging in a hobby. Real experiences gradually reduce reliance on imagined ones.
8. You Can’t Stop Checking Their Social Media
Social media can easily reinforce limerence by providing constant opportunities for checking and interpreting information. You may find yourself looking at their posts, stories or interactions repeatedly, often hoping for reassurance but usually feeling worse afterwards.
👉 What helps: Reduce exposure where possible by muting their updates or limiting how often you use social media. Each reduction in checking behaviour weakens the habit loop that maintains the obsession.
9. You Lose Sight of Yourself
One of the most common effects of limerence is a gradual loss of personal identity. Interests, hobbies and goals may fade into the background as more mental and emotional energy becomes focused on the other person.
👉 What helps: You’ll notice a theme here… you need to reconnect with your own life by returning to activities, people and goals that matter to you. Recovery involves rebuilding a sense of identity that exists independently of the obsession.
10. You Cannot Let Go
Even when you recognise that the situation is unhealthy or unlikely to work out, part of you may still hold on to hope. Letting go can feel like losing something important, even if it has been causing distress.
👉 What helps: Allow yourself to grieve the relationship you imagined rather than the reality of the situation. Accepting what is actually happening, rather than what you hoped would happen, creates space for healing and forward movement.
You Can Recover From This
Although limerence can feel permanent when you are in the middle of it, it is not. I’ll say it again, it is not.
This is a pattern of attention and intense attachment that has become overactive, and like all patterns, it can change over time.
I will tell you, this is going to take a lot of trust, a willingness to feel uncomfortable, and the determination to keep tryong.
Recovery for this isn’t instant.
Although parts of it can be, like you can instantly feel motivates, and instantly notice some progress – so it’s not hopeless at all.
The recovery and healing is intentional, it tends to happen gradually, through small shifts in how you respond to thoughts, how you manage attention and how much space you give the obsession in your daily life. There will likely be difficult moments along the way, but there will also be signs of improvement.
(I can help you access the hope and willingness during a single session if you need it).
This commitment to yourself is so worth it, because one day you may realise that you have gone hours without thinking about them… Then a full day… Then longer stretches where the intensity begins to fade. You’ll know when you know.
You do not need to force yourself to stop caring overnight, you only need to begin gently stepping back into your own life, one small choice at a time. Over time, those choices add up, and the obsession begins to lose its hold.
Tell me, have I missed any important signs of limerence? I would love to know your experience. Let me know my emailing carly@carly-ann.co.uk.
If you still want to learn more, you can listen to a podcast I recorded about limerence HERE
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