Understanding Low Self-Esteem and Feeling Not Good Enough
If you struggle with low self-esteem, self-doubt, or feeling not good enough, and it affects your anxiety or general wellbeing – I am pleased you’re here because this is a space for people determined to KNOW their worth.
It is so tough when you look happy and together on the outside, but inside you feel stuck in deep cycles of anxiety, overthinking, procrastination, people-pleasing, and anxious attachment.
And let’s face it – you have been trying to break these cycles yourself already.
I am a CBT therapist (with a focus on somatic and attachment-informed approaches) and so I am exposed daily to the different ways Low Self-Esteem manifests. It can be subtle until we reveal it – but it lives in your body, in the ways you react, how you hold & talk to yourself, and the relationships you choose.
Even when you are working on yourself, these patterns can keep showing up. That’s one of the main struggles people have – the pain of trying to change, knowing so much but still repeating patterns over and over. Which is why I share this blog with you…Understanding what actually keeps low self-esteem alive is a missing piece
Low Self-Worth Is More Than Confidence
Let me make it clear that low self-worth isnโt just about confidence or disliking rejection. It runs deeper than that… It comes from unconscious patterns and beliefs that have been cemented over time. As adults, certain situations, like making a mistake, being judged, or facing rejection, can suddenly trigger intense self-doubt. In those moments, it can feel like everything confirms that you are not enough and it becomes extremely upsetting, distressing, and takes over your mind & body.
Many people I work with look happy and together on the outside, but inside they struggle with constant rumination, self-criticism, and feeling like they are never quite good enough.When low self-esteem is paired with lifeโs challenges, the body can stay on high alert, always watching for signs of rejection or disapproval, often without you even noticing.
What Low Self-Esteem Feels Like
Low self-esteem is more than nerves before a presentation or disappointment after a mistake. It is a persistent sense of unworthiness that colours the way you see yourself, other people, and the world. You might notice your body reacting too – shoulders tense, feeling sick, shallow breathing, or the urge to shrink away are all common signals.
Feeling not good enough can make everyday experiences feel heavier. That’s why it can feel like everyone else copes better.
It can feel like panic, anxiety, low mood, confusion, stuckness, and feeling lost in life.
Where Low Self-Esteem Comes From
Low self-esteem usually grows from old beliefs that start in childhood. Repeated criticism, bullying, neglect, trauma, or even subtle patterns such as constant comparison to others can slowly shape the lens through which you see ourselves. Once these beliefs take root, they influence how you are as an adult.
But remember, we can become unstuck!
The Rules We Create to Protect Ourselves
When we have low self-esteem, we have unconsciously create rules in an attempt to stop our negative beliefs from being โprovenโ true. These rules are usually unconscious at first but over time they become exhausting – to the point people go for therapy or read these blogs and suddenly you see the rules for yourself
Example rules (see if you can come up with any of your own rules)
- If deep down you believe you are not smart enough, you might avoid applying for a new job or speaking up in meetings.
- If deep down you believe you are not attractive, you might never go out without makeup or avoid social situations where you feel โon show.โ
- If deep down you believe you are not likeable, you might always agree with others or avoid sharing your own opinions in case people reject you.
- If deep down you believe you are not successful enough, you might push yourself to achieve constantly, comparing yourself to others and feeling anxious when you do not measure up.
Like I say, and what comes up in therapy a lot is that these rules appear in subtle ways. They help you feel ‘good enough’ for a certain amount of time, or in certain situations only.
All of these patterns and outdated, harsh rules are ways to try to manage the old belief that you are not worthy.
I get that these rules feel protective, but no one can follow them perfectly which is what ‘breaks’ us the most. Breaking a rule, even slightly, can feel catastrophic and then it only reinforces the belief that you are not enough anyway.
You have a rule to make your partner happy… so then you feel anxious when your partner is unhappy.
You have a rule to be liked, and then feel terrible when it seems you’re ot someone’s cup of tea.
Once you see the rules and how they show up in your daily life, you can start questioning whether they actually help you or just keep the cycle going.
Negative Thoughts That Keep It Going
Day to day, your rules and beliefs (and ultimately your self-esteem) is maintained by automatic negative thoughts. The loud noise in your head. For example
- A friend does not reply to a message and you start overthinking about why they are ignoring you, or what you have done wrong.
- You make a small mistake at work and think you are terrible at your job and start thinking of all the other things that you’ve done wrong
- Someone looks serious and you think they must find you boring.
These thoughts feel real, but they are usually guesses, not facts. The more you repeat these types of thoughts- the stronger your old beliefs and the rules become, like a vicious cycle.
And the longer you leave it, the harder it is to break the cycle.
A First Step Awareness
A helpful first step is noticing your thoughts, feelings, and how your body reacts. Try keeping a simple log
- Write down negative thoughts as they come up.
- See if you can identify your own rules & conditions. A good tip is to complete these sentences “I should always”, “I should never”, “To be happy, I should make sure..”
- Observe your behaviours, notice the things you do to protect yourself and ensure you seem ‘good enough’ – such as avoiding tasks, apologising too much, working every hour, or researching & keeping lists.
- Challenge your thoughts with kinder alternatives, like “I made a mistake, but I am learning”
- Start to break your rules in a way that feels possible but still challenging. Let your friends come over without hoovering, leave work on time, or make plans even if you’re date might be free.
Doing this regularly helps you spot and interrupt patterns in thinking, feeling, and behaviour. It gives you the chance to respond in a calmer and more compassionate way.
Remember Your Value
Above all, remember that you are valuable. Treat yourself with the same kindness and respect you would give a friend. Low self-esteem may feel deeply ingrained, but with awareness, practice, and self-compassion, it can change.
Understanding what keeps it going, noticing how it shows up in your body, and learning to respond differently are key steps to feeling more confident and grounded in yourself.
If you are ready to explore yourself more deeply, build self-acceptance, and develop a kinder inner voice, you are welcome to have book Single Session Therapy with me.
We can deep dive into what is maintaining your own patterns and create a unique individualised plan to help you break free from the cycle you feel stuck in.
Learn more about Single Session Therapy HERE
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